Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, known for his no-nonsense approach to the game, stepped up to the podium at a hastily arranged press conference. With his trademark intensity, he declared, “We’re not here to celebrate rainbows, unicorns, or whatever mystical forces these Pride Nights represent. This is about football. And football is about… well, not that.”

Behind him stood a handful of Steelers players nodding solemnly, some clearly unsure of why they were even there, but committed to the bit nonetheless. Tomlin continued, “Look, this team stands for toughness, tradition, and the occasional helmet-swinging brawl. There’s no place for woke or satanic influences in our locker room.”

For those of you keeping score at home, this boycott probably wasn’t in your bingo card for 2024. But in the age of social media outrage and performative gestures, it seems inevitable that at least one NFL team would eventually decide that rainbows were a threat to the very fabric of professional sports. The only surprise here might be that it’s taken this long for the Steelers to follow the Chiefs down this path of sheer absurdity.

According to the official statement released by the Steelers’ PR team (presumably while holding back laughter), the decision to boycott Pride Nights was made after “careful consideration and deep reflection on the values that our organization holds dear.” The statement went on to describe Pride Nights as “an unnecessary distraction” and, confusingly, “a threat to the sanctity of football.”